It’s Never Too Early for Plastic Surgery, and Other Essential Pieces of Advice for New Mothers

Q: Dear Beatrice, I take my baby on walks every morning before our scheduled mommy and me wine tasting class, but nobody stops to compliment me on my baby, even when I deliberately stop and block the sidewalk with my stroller while I pretend to make sure Jaydynn’s protective helmet is fastened securely. How can Jaydynn and I get the attention we deserve?

A: It sounds like you need a bigger stroller! The Helicopter RX3000 was actually made for quintuplets, and it includes 85 separate cup holders for maximum storage of your favorite high-maintenance coffee orders. It can also withstand the impact of a head-on collision with a semi, and with a width of approximately 2.5 meters, will prevent anyone, even childless women, from swerving around you on the sidewalk. Before you know it, you’ll be experiencing the “stop-and-gasp” that every mother should have.

Q: I’m concerned that my baby’s Instagram hasn’t taken off. In your experience, does this just take time, or is there something I’m doing wrong? #McKarty2016

A: First, are you taking enough pictures of your baby? You may want to get a baby selfie stick, which attaches to the baby’s neck and takes constant pictures of little McKarty’s every movement. If that doesn’t work, then you may want to hire a Baby Brand Consultant to help little McKarty become an internet sensation. It may just be a simple fix—if the light doesn’t hit McKarty’s nose just right, or his little toesie-wosies are just a bit too big, then you may want to get them reduced. You can bring your baby to the same place where you got your labiaplasty.

Q: Dear Beatrice, I’m so worried about my sister. She’s pregnant for the first time and she won’t listen to any of my advice. I keep telling her she has to give birth into an oatmeal bath, and I try to give her tips on how to tutor her baby in Spanish while in the womb, but it doesn’t even seem like she cares. What should I do?

A: First of all, let me congratulate you on being such a great influence for your sister and for her unborn child. Without your counsel, they are in danger of going through the birthing process in a hospital with trained professionals. Have you voiced your concerns to your sister like an adult? If not, please don’t. The best course of action is not to approach the issue head-on, but to consistently insinuate that your sister does not have her baby’s best interests at heart. Find ways to segway her conversation topics into babies. For example, when she says “I wonder who the next president will be?” immediately turn the conversation to your children’s futures and the importance of pre-chewing.

Q: I’m afraid our caretaker is bringing gluten into the house. She told me that she doesn’t bring food, but I swear when I come home to breastfeed my four-year-old I can smell it in the air. What should I do?

A: Have you bought a gluten detector? The Glu-Free BS2560 is a discrete but very effective monitor of any gluten activity that may be occurring in your home. It’s also effective in detecting the content of vaccines without distracting you by also detecting the presence of deadly diseases. If you look on the radar screen and find that traces of gluten are on the help, then you may want to have her deported, but make sure she can take her children. In the end, you know, it’s all about the children.

Q: Hi Beatrice! I don’t actually have a question–I just wanted to tell you about how my sweet Purple is such a precious little snowflake. I know her 3-month birthday party is going to be the event of the century, and between my loving husband, my fulfilling career as a hair model, my high-functioning alcoholism from drinking wine and laughing loudly with my mothers-only book club, and running in slow, long strides with my beautiful baby in her stroller, I really do have it all.

A: Thank you for sharing! Ladies, it’s time to either get with the program or finally resign to your fate as an old childless hag. But have fun!